Most of you are familiar with the culture that comes with working in an office environment. You’re bunched together with a group of people with varying personalities combined with lots of stress and obstacles while navigating office politics in the process.
Just to preface this before the inevitable responses of how good we all have it, yes, you’re right. Office life isn’t the coal mines, it’s not being a cop or in the military nor is it like hard manual labor. But that doesn’t stop everyone from complaining about day-to-day life in the workplace so stick around.
Again, this isn’t necessarily universal nor is it even a reflection of my current employer but rather a collection of past experiences and types of people and things that really grinds the gears of peers and colleagues.
We present to you the worst of office life.
This person’s motor never shuts off. They have something to say about everything and at all times. Even if you’re not taking part in the discussion, you have to listen to their conversations because they’re so loud.
Easily one of the most toxic types in the office. You all know this person. Chances are, you have been a victim to this person’s manufactured drama. It’s not enough to just do your job and go home. No. They have to bring high school back into the workforce.
To these types, it’s more important to hate and sabotage someone or to nudge their nose into the personal lives of others. It’s better to be the quiet “office weirdo” than to engage with this person.
Coffee is great and for most adults, it’s a requirement to even function with the 40-plus hour workweek. But office coffee is atrocious. Without fail, your office will have Maxwell House or Folgers, which is why you’ll see co-workers go on Starbucks runs just to avoid that liquid dumpster.
I’ve only had the displeasure of working with one guy who fits this role and it made me want to vomit and rip my ears off at the same time. You can hear this person smack their lips and slurp like a disgusting slob from the next room. Kyle, if you’re reading this, shut your mouth.
The Drama Queen
The slightest hiccup at work and this person will become hysterical and fall apart. “OMG, what do we do?” they proclaim at some minor issue. I can’t tell you how many times I saw a co-worker run to the supervisor exaggerating an issue instead of being calm and just thinking of a simple solution to something that wasn’t even that consequential.
Probably as close to a prison cell as you can get. Sure, you may try to put some bobbleheads or family pictures in there but when you’re just staring at this small space all day, your brain can turn into mush.
The Mean Girls
This group is the same as the ones in high school but despite getting older, their mindset never changed. These monsters automatically hate the new girl especially if she’s attractive. Without even meeting this crew, you have become a rival. Then what follows is similar to Survivor or some reality show where alliances are formed.
The Reply All Person
Not everyone needs to see your comments. Send them to the appropriate person because when the ‘reply all’ occurs, it sets off a chain reaction where every co-worker feels the need to fire off their own reply all email in order to not feel left out.
“Did You Get My Email?”
Yes, yes, I did. But you chose to come over to my desk and bother me within three minutes of that email hitting my inbox. Oh, you want a quick response? Then come over to my desk and talk to me about it. What you did was the equivalent of trying to contact a date after dropping them off with a text, a phone call and then swinging by in person to what they’re up to.
The Messy One
They don’t clean up after themselves, leave the microwave looking like a murder scene and love to stink up the joint with their smelly Lean Cuisine.
He or she is Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, just pissed off, “I’m too old for this s___” type of cat. They hate everyone and everything. They count down the days until they can retire or get disability. They threaten to quit at the drop of a hat over the slightest thing. No one is quite sure what they even do there but they’re too old to fire them now.
The “I’m Not Really Important But I Get Paid Like It” Person
Most companies have some version of this character. They will get paid as much as six figures for some corporate position that if it were eliminated, wouldn’t change a single thing regarding the efficiency and getting the job completed.
Where this person is most visible is when their ideas are put into effect. By this I mean, they have the realization of, “Hey, I don’t really do anything so I need to do something to justify my salary.” When this occurs, there’s a new system (sometimes new software- think Ryan from The Office with his website idea) put in place that ultimately makes your job more difficult, adds an additional step to a task and is nothing more than a feather in their cap to boast about their importance and for them to maneuver to the next position.
The worst of the worst is the one who tries to be a know-it-all and usually finds a way to appear more important than they are. They will take credit for other people’s work, make sure to badmouth you to management and find a way to get out of doing the hard stuff. Somehow, they manage to get a promotion with this strategy. They have no soul. They’re a pit of darkness who would destroy anyone for their own gain or just for the fun of it.